We take our seats for lunch at a huge banqueting table. Our instructor in the gentleman's arts - chef and general posh-dining authority - Valentine Warner - takes centre stage.

Our man's astro-credentials seem fairly obvious - the plummy accent, the slightly eccentric attire and the unruly mop give him an almost Dudley Moore-ish air.

But more importantly, he has worked in top London restaurants and provided private catering for celebs like Robbie Williams.

We start with the basics of table planning. When entertaining, not only should you alternate man-woman seating, apparently you should always separate husbands and wives.

This isn't, as you'd expect, to avoid inevitable "domestics", but so they're not tempted to just natter away at each other.

Next he educates us on the intricacies of navigating a place-setting. For a guest, it's not exactly Mensa stuff - just remember to start from the outside and work your way in.

Then, as the chow starts arriving, so does some timely advice on the classy way to tackle it.

Bread: cut a small piece of butter from a knob on the butter plate and stick it on your side plate. Then put a little on your bread at a time - don't spread it like Nutella!

Oysters: first things first - that finger bowl is for post-shellfish cleansing; it's not some form of consomme. Apparently, people have been known to make that mistake.

When it comes to getting the oyster down, hold it in your left hand and the fork in your right. Scoop to detach, then either fork it or just tip it into your mouth - and swallow quickly.

Soup: the rule is always to tip the bowl away from you because this makes it less likely that it'll go all over your lap or your neighbour.

And the good news is that it's acceptable to start eating before everyone has been served.

This is only if it's a big table and the food is hot, but you should at least hold off until most have been served.

Pasta: this is where our dining guru and I part company. Valentine's wisdom on spaghetti involves no spoons or twirling, just scooping the "right amount" with your fork.

This is obviously impossible and on this issue, as with opera and the intracacies of driving in Rome, I defer to the Italians.

Wine: "There's lots of swilling and poncing around when it comes to tasting wine, " says Val, with an almost sobering dose of bluntness.

As for getting the precious liquid to your lips, if it's white or champers, always hold your glass by the stem. You want the wine to stay chilled and the heat from your sweaty mitt will warm it.

If it's red, on the other hand, contact with the cool glass will dip it below room temperature, so hold it by the globe to warm it slightly.

Also note that, if you're doing the honours, glasses should be filled about two-thirds, especially with red so that it can "breathe".

ARE YOU BEING SERVED?
If things are done properly, clean plates come over your right shoulder, food comes on the left and dirty plates should be collected on the right.

When it comes to handling staff, always acknowledge them with a simple "thank you" and be considerate in moving out of their way.

And our genteel diner offers this tip for attracting the waiter's attention: straighten and make eye contact. If it's not happening then start standing up - they should notice before you get fully upright.