Features

My Sexless Relationship Secret

Aug 22 08:43am

He's caring and committed. In fact, he's the perfect partner - he just doesn't want to sleep with you. Three women share their stories as Vicky Mayer investigates a disturbing new trend

"I'll have to leave him if I want children"

Megan, 30, is an advertising executive who lives with her partner of six years, James, 34, a stockbroker.

If you met James and I, you'd never know that behind our smiles lies a big secret: we haven't had sex for almost two years - because he doesn't want to. The few friends who do know are sympathetic, but society perpetuates the myth that everyone is having sex all of the time and if it's anyone who's saying no, it's certainly never the man. So it's not something I tell many people, as no-one would understand.

When I met James at a party, the attraction between us was instant. We ignored everyone else, flirted outrageously and left together a few hours later.

After six months, he told me he loved me and, looking back, that's when things began to change. James was still affectionate, but it seemed the closer we got emotionally, the further apart we grew physically.

We talked about it and James insisted it was his problem, not mine. I know he's not cheating on me, and his libido is OK physically; it's more, as he says, that for him sex used to be about the thrill of the chase - he had a lot of lovers before me...

"He was meant to be a sexy toy boy"

Kate, 35, works in PR. She dated teacher Lachlan, 28, for two years.

My friends said I struck it lucky when I met Lachlan. Good-looking and seven years younger than me, he was the toy boy I'd always wanted and he adored me.

Everyone thought we must be having fantastic sex, especially as he looked like a Calvin Klein model in his undies. But if I'm honest, the sex was ordinary. He was gentle and loving, so I refused to think about why the sex, although frequent, felt dispassionate.

What I realise now, though, is that if the sexual spark isn't there you can't replace it.

Four months after we'd met, we'd make love twice a month and that was only when I made a move. I knew something was wrong, but I loved Lachlan so much I couldn't bear to think everything wasn't perfect in our little world....

"Our marriage is cerebral"

Jennifer, 37, is a real estate agent. She's been married to Tom, 38, a lawyer, for three years and they have an 18-month-old son, Lucas.

I always know when I'll be having sex - it's a case of high days and holidays, so if we make love five times a year I'll be lucky. But I don't want pity; I knew exactly what I was getting into when I married Tom.

We'd been friends for five years before one confessional night out when we realised we were made for each other. But as soon as we'd kissed, he told me he had a low sex drive, which had affected his previous relationships. I was shocked and found it ironic as I'd had a string of testosterone-charged lovers for the past decade. But none of them were great husband material, unlike Tom...

To read the full stories of Megan, Kate and Jennifer, see the September issue of marie claire.

99 Comments Report Abuse

1. chris301002 - Aug 22 08:59am

I feel sorry and sad for both sexes in these relationships. Firstly the women, as they were/are obviously extremely attracted to their partners, but also very in-love with them and to not be able to express that on a regular basis is hard to deal with. But also for the guys, as for whatever reason, they have extremely low sex drives, but at the same time, are both very caring people. Goes to show that what is happening isn't always what you think and there is something deeper going on. And also

2. andrewo_grady - Aug 22 09:37am

These men are simply looking for emotional support from some deeper problem and are satisfied with the safety of this. They are turning their wives into their mothers, which is a cope-out and selfish. They should find the courage to find the core issue and fix it. Do they have a hormonal problem, hidden sexual need, what ever it is - be a man, find it, face it and fix it.

3. stuart_76 - Aug 22 09:40am

This sh1ts me, the amount of guys out there that have to put up with whatever their partner decides to throw to them and as soon as it is a woman on the recieving end we are supposed to feel sorry for them, well boo f'ing hoo. Do what so many guys out there have had to do for years, suck it up and put up with it or appear to everyone in your life as a jerk and find someone else!

4. trueblooaussie - Aug 22 09:52am

im a girl and i never feel like sex my boyfriend is constantly up and ready but im just always so tired

5. marino_zugan - Aug 22 10:05am

Having been in a number of relationships with women where I placed much of my trust in the other person and gave my self completely. I have come to understand several things about relationships with women. The act of intimacy for a man is also an act of vulnerability (maybe mor so than for a woman). Give yourself too much and you have a lot to lose, when all goes wrong. Further intimacy is something that can be manipulated and can be a form of control. Without knowing these men at all, I can onl

6. glennjprn - Aug 22 10:08am

I understand completely, my husband may have the same problem, we did have two children though and I often wonder how. I do not think he is yearning to be gay or anything, but gradually the problem became worse , of nearly 30 years of marriage, the last 15 has been absolutely devoid of any sex.
For the past ten years we have had separate rooms, he was a good lover whenever HE decided he wanted to make love and I wanted him so much that I could not sleep beside him anymore without the pain

7. velcroman0001 - Aug 22 10:19am

This is amazing! Men have had to put up with their partners having low libido's since forever. Men have had to cope with it. Men are seen as the worst in the world if we complain to their partners if sex is not their.

If a women gets knocked back it makes the paper. "Disturbing new trend" ..... rubbish! Women have the same three choices that men have 1) Live with it. 2) get a lover. 3) get a divorse.

8. lauriegaheath - Aug 22 10:39am

Strange how this sounds like a familiar story, but when thought through it's shocking that it's on the opposite "usual" foot...
Appears to me women are starting to reap the rewards of what they've sown... possibly through women's actions, real or urban myth - through years of pro women this, pro that, the war on masculinity in media and social circles, the reduction of fatherhood to a worthless, comical figure around the house... the raise and raise of feminism, the reduction and gradual decay

9. lauriegaheath - Aug 22 10:42am

10. lauriegaheath - Aug 22 10:44am

...of men's self esteem, knowing their place, a place of habit, tradition and ritual - all these things have been either abolished or aggressively eroded into... Couple all this with increased work pressures... no wonder, given the "human" reasons which have supported the excuse for women over the decades.
The humorous side to this is, from what I have read in the stories the women have put forth - is that they often conclude it's the man's fault, something wrong they need to work out... For th