Hey, and today, I have something very special for you. And when I say very, I mean very. After I've filled you in on the continuing encrypted emailing that is bouncing between Rachel and Malick/Ironman/Mr Fixit, I'll be revealing a secret cherished closely to my heart - I will share with you the first part of the tale of how Speaker and I became truth warriors with a bond as strong as blood. And I have visual aid :)
But first - another encrypted message was discovered on the HansoExposed site, this time in morse code! Once you've logged in to the site, you should see a small asterick flash next to the Send Sequence command - press it and prepare to hear a bunch of morse. Looks like Rachel's stil being super-cautious - she needs proof it's not Mitteljerk setting her up for a trap....Many years ago, I attended a rally. We gathered to stand for what we believed in and to declare that we would expose the lies of those in power so that the rotten, festering core of injustice would be revealed to one and all. As you can see by the picture, many heroes gathered to show solidarity. This was the first time I met the young shadow with white sunnies. I have since forgiven him for screaming "I <3 YOU SCOTT STAPP" at the stage.
Despite our vast differences, our mutual hatred of evil was strong enough that we soon became firm friends. I schooled him in the ancient ways of the ninja, while he taught me proper cowbell procedure (keep that thumb tucked folks!) This photo was taken on our first field trip, where we were dispatched to take down Billy Zane, or something Phantom-related... I don't quite remember. Needless to say, we kicked ass and saved Naboo.
Things chilled out mission-wise pretty quick. Seemed that every goon in town had heard about the dynamic duo cracking skulls, determined to learn the truth. This lead us in a tough position - no missions meant no cash. We needed jobs. Here you can see me giving Stephen Colbert lessons on how to properly operate a bladed weapon. Turns out the funnyman had never done any action scenes in front of green screen, and you know what? Neither had I. I felt bad, but not as bad as...
Poor Speaker, who took a job guarding the celebrities other guards didn't want to. Everyone knows you can't spook the shadow man, and that proved to be the case. Bobby Brown? Speak's boy. Mariah? Calls him darling - on his mobile. No matter how wild the star, he could always take control and reel them in. Until the fateful day where he agreed to guard Hollywood "funnyman" Martin Lawrence.
Could Speaker have known that Lawrence was, in fact, one of NegaSpeaker's generals? (Answer: No) No one could of; Martin Lawrence is a brilliant actor. Bundling Speaker into a van and leaving Lawrence behind to face his adoring fans, it was not long before Nega had me on the phone, telling me to meet him at his palace, or the Shadow gets it. When I arrived, they quickly worked me over and tied me up alongside him in the basement.
As Nega's goons finished securing me, a broad shouldered, heavily tattooed thug flung Speaker's chair backwards against a large, silent machine. Attaching nodules to where the shadow man's nipples would be, he turned a knob on the machine's dial, upping the voltage and causing me to see the most horrific, most disturbing, most unsettling.... it wasn't nice to watch Speaker's shadow literally jump off his skin. Turning my head away in horror, I felt my hands me pawed about my something tiny and furry. 
Turning my head slightly, I saw a gibbon scratching at the rope bindings around my wrist with one hand while he furiously attempted to open the ESCAPE HATCH door located just behind him. I liked this gibbon; he had drive and initiative. Unable to undo my restraints, he simply dragged my chair behind him into the hatch, causing us to hurtle down a chute and come crashing out into a field. I felt this cow was trying to cause trouble, but it seems I may have been misled. Possibly by the gibbon.
While I attempted to make my way back up the mountain to Nega's lair, the effects of the evil machinations were already beginning to take over Speaker. He could.... feel the rage growing inside of him. Not only was he bound, mid-torture and hungry, but he was beginning to give in to the boar. I heard a defiant call for help from below the cliff face. I knew my friend was in trouble.
Unfortunately, I had walked right into the trap Nega had planned for me. I had abandoned the way of the ninja, stealth, in order to get their quicker, forgetting that I am easily seen on the grass by day. As you can see by this picture, Nega is a legendary fighter. Here his is giving me a Nipple Cripple From Hell, his patented finishing move. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit it. I passed out from the pain a few moments after this shot was taken....
WHAT WILL BECOME OF OUR HEROES? WILL THEY UNLOCK FURTHER SHOCKING TRUTHS? WILL NINJA BE ABLE TO REVERT SPEAKER BACK TO THE LOVABLE TRUTH GOOF WE ALL KNOW AND LOVE? (well, duh.....) AND WILL THE AMAZING CAPTAIN MALVAR BE INVOLVED IN THE DAY SAVING? YOU'LL HAVE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!!!Namaste
PS - if you've got your choc and you're not on Where Is Alvar - Where the bloody hell are ya?