There's no denying that sex for the first time (or first many times) can feel hot, electric, ecstatic, and mind-numbingly, flesh-tinglingly new.

I sometimes call it the "mounting reflex," which is in response to the yearning and passion of the sex organs, also known as lust.

There's also heart-to-heart, eye-to-eye, light-to-light cocoon love. It's intimate. You get lost in someone else's being; you stop feeling the separation between your bodies, your minds, your hearts, your souls.

This is no reflex.

It's the personal, heart-to-heart aflex, a word I made up to describe the free choice to love in the present, in contrast to an automatic response. Let's call this true and intimate lovemaking.

Which one is better: lust or lovemaking, reflex or aflex? Which one would you love to experience for the rest of your life? The good news is you don't have to choose.

These two types of sex can occur at different levels all through your life, even in relationships that last beyond the initial infatuation stage.

Both lust and lovemaking can continue to grow and evolve, as long as you understand and disable the mechanisms that might shut them down.

These shutdown mechanisms amount to letting your fantasies and unrealistic expectations (not necessarily your sexual desires, but the myths I'm describing in this chapter) dictate the relationship. Nothing flips the "off" switch faster than putting up emotional barriers as a result of someone not living up to your unwisely projected expectations.

If you don't know how to dissolve those barriers, your sexual interest and intensity predictably dwindle.

By the same token, I've seen the gift of sex resurge, as with one couple I knew who'd been married for 30 years. They dissolved the emotional charges between them and initiated a whole new grateful, intimate relationship with incredibly satisfying sex.

Soon, you'll discover how both partners can continue to grow sexually for the entire life of the relationship.