What is more alluring: a) The date that sits like a stiff in trepidation and seriousness, as if the evening will determine their success at a job interview? Or,
b) The smiling mystery that sits across from you, laughing and having fun being in your company?
Many daters spend their energy evaluating the opposite sex for love, marriage and babies, that they forget to just lighten up, be themselves, have fun and enjoy the whole process. They get caught up in looking right, doing right, being right and lose their whole sense of who they are. All that stress and pressure sure ain't much fun - and certainly doesn't make for a recipe of attraction.
Most people get nervous on a date. And there's nothing wrong with a little first-date nerves. It can actually be quite charming. The problem is the seriousness, the life or death attitude, the ‘he must be the one or I'm giving up on this whole dating process' approach. When people come from this place they put way too much pressure on both themselves and their date. Their expectations get in the way of being themselves and enjoying themselves. The result... they end up holding themselves back from a real chance of connection.
Julie came to coaching to help gain the confidence to get out and date again. Socially, she was perfectly comfortable around people but as soon as it came to dating she would lose her whole personality and come across as interesting as a dead twig. As a result, she found it hard to click with anyone and rarely got passed a first date. She felt she was consistently sabotaging each date because she was so far removed from her naturally fun, easygoing self.
We took a look at her thought process and expectations leading up to and during her dates. She had made dating into a judge and jury situation that determined her worthiness for living. Her focus was constantly on herself, her evaluation of the date, whether or not it was going well - all self-conscious thoughts that blocked her ability to relax and just see what happened.
We worked at letting go of all expectations and intentions and created a focus for her dates to simply lighten up, take a more playful approach and enjoy meeting new people. Within a month, Julie was able to relax on dates and had sunk into actually enjoying the experience. She found herself connecting with more men and relationships started to extend beyond the first date.
When people take a more playful approach to dating and life it is not only more fun - it's infinitely more appealing! Sparks are more likely to ignite as you radiate your true colours. And the double whammy - it allows your partner to relax and unravel their true colours to you.
How to Adopt a Playful Approach
1. Lighten up and stop taking yourself so seriously
Is dating really a life or death situation? Each date is just one day in your life that will pass onto something else before you even take a deep breath. Find a simple way before each date to remind you to chill out, be playful and have fun.
2. Set new expectations
See dating as an opportunity to have fun meeting new people NOT an opportunity to meet the love of your life. That's way too much pressure for either of you.
3. Be open and accepting
Allow the other person and yourself to just be however you are. Stop judging them and stop judging yourself. The more you let go of judgement the more relaxed and naturally playful you become.
4. Adopt playful curiosity
Set out on your dates with the focus to enjoy discovering who that unique person is under that cute outfit. Be playfully curious about them and the focus on your self will slip easily away.
We're attracted to people who are buzzing with life and to situations that bring out our playful spirit. Wouldn't you rather be around people who are fun, make you laugh and remind you of the joy you have inside? Commit to adopting a more playful approach to dating and watch as you enchant, charm and allure with your joyful spark and enthusiasm.
